Table Tales 1: Monologue

August 21, 2011

Angry: The man gives a sinister smile as he steps from the shadows into the middle of the room. “I am surprised you fools found your way here, given that the gods clearly did not see fit to bless you with much intelligence. Perhaps it is merely an accident of chance that brings you to darken my doorstep. No matter. You will be easily dealt with, for I can see your ineptitude extends to the…
New Guy: What is this dude’s problem? I curse him… and I’m launching an eldritch blast to shut him…
Whiny: No you aren’t!
Suckup: No. He isn’t. He doesn’t do that. It was a joke.
New Guy: What? You think I’m just going to sit here and listen to this guy’s speech about what idiots we are?
Smartass: Yes. You are. Trust me. Angry gets really pissed if you don’t let his NPCs get through their little speeches. He practices them before the game. I’ve heard him. Its creepy.
Whiny: Yeah. The only way we are going to survive this is if we let him get through his speech first.
Smartass: Remember what happened when we interrupted the Languishing Lich Lord of Lixlilichlitl?
Whiny: Yeah… but you also kept mispronouncing his name. Angry hates that.
Suckup: The speeches are usually pretty good. And the villainous monologue is a staple of fiction, an accepted trope of the genre…
Smartass: Shut up! Anyway, yes. We’re listening.
New Guy: Well, I already cursed him and I’m not listening. I’m going to eldritch blast his ass. And spend an action point to do it again.
Whiny: Oh gods…
Smartass: I see Eagan begin chanting. That’s a ranged attack and he’s adjacent to Ragnar. I get an opportunity attack, right Angry?
New Guy: What?! I’m your ally.
Smartass: You are doing something that I believe puts Ragnar in mortal peril. I have no choice but to consider you an enemy. Does a 21 hit your AC?
New Guy: What?!
Whiny: Karrin has combat advantage because of flanking with Ragnar. I’m going to use my backstab encounter power with sneak attack damage.

[Several Rounds of Combat]

Angry: The man looks down at the corpse of Eagan and nods approvingly. “You were wise to silence your insolent friend. Perhaps you are not as foolish as you look, though not by much I am sure. It is well for you that you have earned my approval, for this inn is the only inn around for many leagues and the wilderness is dangerous. And so, allow me, a humble landlord, to find you rooms and a meal for the evening.”

5 Responses to Table Tales 1: Monologue

  1. Multiclass Rulepriest on August 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    This is way too awesome… A villainous innkeeper is something any player would remember for a long, long time.

  2. The Angry DM on August 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Who said anything about the innkeeper being a villain?

  3. Brennon on August 22, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Narcissism leads to intolerance…. intolerance leads to hate… hate takes narcissism out for a couple of drinks… narcissism gets loaded drunk and lets hate get to third base, and together they have a bastard love child called evil. This is the origin of the evil villain monologue, and also a pretty good reason to consider anyone who gives said evil monologue a irredeemably evil villain. Trust me, Villainy WILL ensue!

  4. Back to Reality | Joel's Scattered Thoughts on September 9, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    [...] a distorted eladrin, Elomir, flanked by two destrachan. Sadly, Elomir didn’t get to give his monologue and the party launched straight into combat. Whyd launched the first attack and the destrachan [...]

  5. Stefan on June 20, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Love these stories. You once had a story up here about a challenging puzzle involving three trapped chests, and how one player, thinking he had figured it out, blew himself up. I really enjoyed it, and wanted to use it for inspiration later on, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere on your blog now.

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